Chapter 0371

"I was embarrassed," he says, looking away from me again. "Because...when I came to the city and started watching TV, people of course talked about sex casually - that husbands and wives did it, and mates, and boyfriends and girlfriends. But...they talked about it like it was this big thing - especially losing your virginity, how intense and emotional and special it was. And I was so interested because I was like...well what the hell is that? What's sex? What could it be? And then I saw some movies that showed people actually having sex...

His words fade off, and suddenly it all snaps together. "Oh," I say, sitting up a little straighter. "And you realized that you'd...you'd done it before."

"Yeah," he says, looking down at his hands. "And I felt... I don't know, kind of robbed? Not by Tasha - but by the Community, by my education. I should have known that it was...important. That it was big. That it's not something that most people casually do by the river, but it's something that a lot of people understand as an act that...brings people together. People who love each other."

We're both quiet now, and my hand slips down from his hair, down his neck to rest on his shoulder. I study him carefully, his handsome profile, his powerful frame. Physically, he can withstand so much. And yet it's this - these small, stolen things that truly break him down.

"Did you love her?" I ask quietly, curious. And as I ask it I realize that I won't begrudge him if the answer is yes. That instead I might even be happy - I will have wanted him to have that love in a world that took so much away from him.

"No," he answers, looking at me seriously. "I liked her a lot, Ariel, I was really fond of her. But what we had, how I felt about her?" He shakes his head softly. "It is... nothing compared to..." he gestures to me now, to the bond between us. And I nod, accepting it, understanding.

We stare at each other for a long time in the dark of Jackson's room, both of us feeling the complexities of this thing, feeling a sorrow for everything that was taken from him, and joy for what we've found now. Update first at N?velDráma. Org.

Because no matter what came before, we have each other in this moment. And I again feel that fierce protective instinct well up in me, like if anyone comes for my baby Jacks - lays a single finger on his emotions, I'm just going to rip them to shreds.

*Come here, baby," I murmur, dropping the sheet from my hands and opening my arms to him. Jackson obeys, letting himself lean over lightly until he topples into my arms. I laugh a little, working hard to stay upright as the full, not insubstantial weight of his upper half comes to rest against me. But I prevail, and stay upright, and hug him close, tucking my chin against his head.

Jackson sighs, long and steady, and in it I feel a thousand things. Feel the relief in having me to talk to, in unburdening himself. And worry, that I won't fully understand, or that he didn't tell it right. And sadness, in having to remember it at all, this part of his life that he's so eager to leave behind.

"Don't leave it all behind, Jacks," I whisper. "It's still your history. It's still yours."

"I'm not sure it is, Ari," he murmurs. "It was so...calculated. So controlled. I think it's theirs."

I don't counter, not knowing how much good it will do. But, I do quietly - in a secret part of me that I hope Jackson can't hear or feel - determine to talk to mom about getting him a therapist. Because my sweet Jacks - he's been through the ringer, hasn't he? And as much as I want to be here to listen and hold him through all of it, I know that I don't know enough to help him through some of the more complex emotions.

But there are, I know, some things I can do to make it better.

"I know you don't want me to apologize anymore," I say quietly, my arms firm around him as I kiss the side of his head again. "But...I'm sorry if I pressured you too much to go too fast. I didn't think about what it might be like from your side. And that's not fair."noveldrama