Chapter 42

“What, is your subconscious homophobic?” I ask, continuing to be frustrated and a little annoyed at him for not believing me even though I’m telling him the truth and spilling a serious secret for his own good.

Because honestly! I could make out with him here! And I would be the only one who knew that it was real!

I’m doing this for him, to be fair, and yet he persists in not believing me! It’s very rude.

“It might be,” Luca says with a shrug, still looking down at me. “I wouldn’t think that it was, but here you are, still not kissing me, even though I keep trying. Honestly, Ari, being shut down by the figment of my own imagination is very annoying –”

“I’m real!” I insist again, this time through my teeth.

“Prove it,” he says, shrugging.

“Ask me anything!”

“That won’t work,” he says, turning his head to the side. “Anything you say is something I already know or think I know. No way to verify that it’s true.

“Fine,” I say, crossing my arms and lifting my chin. “Ask me something tomorrow, in real life – something impossible, that you’d never predict. I’ll give you the same answer here as I do then.”

Luca turns his head a little, considering. “That could work,” he murmurs, but then he turns back to me with a sly smile. “But in the meantime, you and I could, you know, fool around a little…”

In the distance, my wolf howls with delight.

“Whoa,” Luca says, turning to look for her. “What was that?”

“It was my wolf,” I sigh.

“Really?” he asks, and then the turns back to me, smirking. “Your wolf does…not sound adverse to the idea.” He leans more fully against the tree now, bringing his body closer to mine and kind of pinning me back against the trunk in a way that…

That I do not mind at all.

“Luca,” I sigh, and honestly I have to close my eyes as I turn my face away from him, because if I spend even a moment longer looking up at the shadows his long lashes cast against his cheeks…I am definitely going to do something I regret.

“What?” he asks softly, cupping my cheek in his palm and turning my face back to his, his hand and his voice both impossibly gentle. “What do you want, Ari?”

And his question…I know instinctually that there are layers to it. That he’s asking me what I want, but also what I like –

How I want to be kissed.

Where, precisely I want him to put his hands.

Whether or not I want him to pull me tight against him as he presses his mouth hard to mine – which I decidedly do –

“Luca,” I sigh, as he rests his weight deliciously against me, pinning me back against the tree in a way that feels….god, it feels fucking amazing, his body pressed flush against mine. “I want you to ask me a question.”

He laughs darkly and my eyes fly open, already glaring. “Not that kind of question,” I growl, and he laughs again.

“Fine,” he whispers, playing my game even as he strokes his thumb along the skin of my cheek. “Real– Ari had my nan’s coffee cake tonight, which is my favorite desert. What’s yours?”

“Strawberry ice cream,” I answer immediately, “with whipped cream.” noveldrama

Relief running through me – because I stand by what I decided last time. It is not fair to be in this dream state with him and be the only one knowing what’s going on. If we’re going to do this?

As we both very clearly want to?

Then we’re both going to know that it’s real.

“No sprinkles on top?” Luca asks, teasing – because, I mean, it is a very girly desert. “Of course sprinkles,” I murmur, sighing as I take one last look of him, “too many.

Like, way more than seems practical.” I take a deep breath, savoring his scent and the press of his muscled torso against me for one last second. I hesitate, but then I lift my hands, and let my palms press against his sides, feeling the lines of his obliques as I slowly slide my hands down towards his hips.

And as I do, just for a moment, I let myself imagine what his bare skin would feel like under my fingertips.

A hard shudder passes through Luca’s body.

“God damn it, Ari,” he growls, leaning in

But I turn my head, and press my eyes shut, and will the dream to end.

My eyes fly open in my bed and I clench my teeth with a groan, turning and burying my face into a pillow to stifle the sound of it.

I spend too long with my face buried in my pillow, feeling sorry for myself, cursing myself vehemently for having a sense of ethics and the willpower to stop Luca from doing something he’d probably regret.

Because god damn it, god damn it I wanted to kiss him.

And now, who the hell knows when I’ll have the chance – because Luca, he just wanted to kiss the figment of his imagination that looks like me so he can figure out how he’s feeling. As soon as he realizes that that figment is the real Ari Clark?

He’s going to run screaming from the room.

I mean, at least I think he will. I sigh, curling up in my pillows and wrapping myself up in my soft white duvet, considering it. Because Luca – he still thinks I’m a boy, and as much as he’s willing to subconsciously consider experimenting with kissing a guy…

I think that he is straight, and that I’m just unfairly confusing him because I’m his mate underneath this boy fa?ade.

I sigh, worrying about all of the complications of this, because Ben revealed today how tenuous my secret already is. And as much as I’m fine with Ben knowing… Luca? My mate? It’s a different story – an unpredictable level of exposure that I’m just not ready for yet.

I’m still hiding my gender at this school, because failing to do so means getting

kicked out. And I’ve just, just gotten hold of the thing I never knew I always wanted: a chance at the Espionage Track at Alpha Academy.

And I am not at all ready to give that up with Luca Grant.

not even for the chance to make out

So I sigh, turning over again in my blankets, and I close my eyes and force myself to try and go back to sleep – a state which feels very, very far away right now.

Jesse and Rafe wake up early, some kind of Alpha alarm clock that I was not born with making them rise before sun.

“Up and at ‘em, little cousin!” Jesse shouts, throwing a pillow into the open curtain of my nook. I jump and shrick when it hits me right in the head.

“We spies get an extra hour of sleep,” I growl, pulling the blankets over myself and nestling back down.

“Not if they want breakfast, they don’t,” Rafe says, laughing and yanking my away, making me shriek again.

duvet

“Doesn’t it just come up in the dumbwaiter?” I ask, sitting up finally when I realize they’re not going to leave me in any peace.

“Nope,” Jesse says around his toothbrush as he walks out of the bathroom, brushing as he strides around the room in his underwear, getting ready for the day. “Breakfast all together with cadets.”

“Oh,” I say, yawning and looking around for my boots. Rafe tosses one in my direction as he takes Jesse’s place in the bathroom. I sigh and grab it, yawning so wide my jaw cracks. As I pull my boot on I hope that there’s coffee with breakfast – because while dream states do happen while you’re dreaming, I’m not sure that I’d say they let you wake up relaxed and rested.

At least, not the way I’m doing them.

Awe hits me again as we walk into the dining hall. My head swivels around, taking in the gorgeous sight of round tables set up in what looks like a damn cathedral. The four–story ceilings arch high above us, shadows hiding the light from the chandeliers and three–story windows that line the western wall can’t reach the

corners.

“Wow, this is the breakfast room?” I murmur, kind of shocked as Rafe walks us to an empty table with eight seats and sits us down. I smile when I see dozens and dozens of young men dressed in cadet black at their own tables, chatting with friends or reading through books. These are more advanced students apparently we all have breakfast together.

“This used to be the castle’s great hall, like the one at home,” Rafe says, sitting down before an empty place setting and gesturing for me and Jesse to do the same.

I hesitate, looking around for the line. “Where….do we get the food…”

But my eyes go wide when a man dressed in stark white comes to the table and gives us a sharp bow. “Coffee or tea?”

Rafe calmly orders coffee for all of us as I gape at the man, who smiles around at us before walking away. “Do we have…waiters? At breakfast?”

“Why is this so weird for you, Ari?” Jesse asks, already seated on Rafe’s right. “All of this is available at your house – it’s why I like to sleep over so much. Your personal chefs are way better cooks than both of my parents.”

“Yeah, but it’s school,” I say, taking my seat and watching in awe as another group of people bring us a selection of toasted bread, butter, and jam alongside our pot of coffee. One leans forward and asks softly what hot food we’d like and I blink at her, shocked that there’s more –

Rafe orders bacon and eggs, telling her that we’re expecting two more, and starts to pour from the coffee pot, laughing at me. “Seriously, Ari, why is this such a surprise?”

“It’s just so fancy,” I breathe, blinking. “I don’t know, I guess I just got…used to the barracks.”

“Well, dad and Uncle Roger like cadets to understand themselves as deserving of the best,” Rafe says with a shrug, and I tilt my head, considering that that’s not a terrible way to think of it.

“The Academy asks a lot of its cadets, as does the life after school,” Jesse says, smiling at me, clearly repeating words his dad said to him verbatim. “It likes to return the favor while it can.”

“Fine by me,” I say, reaching for a blueberry muffin – still warm, my god – while

Rafe fills my cup with hot brown liquid. I smile when he pushes the sugar and creamer my way – he and Jesse take theirs black, but he knows what I like.

“Morning!” Ben says, sitting down next to me and giving me a warm nudge with his shoulder. “Where’s Luca?” he asks, looking around.

“I’m right here,” Luca’s voice sounds, dry and exhausted, from right behind me.

I spin, my muflin halfway to my mouth, to see him already glaring down at me. Ut–oh, my wolf says, skittering back inside of me. Looks like he’s mad…