Chapter 229

Cassie

Staring at myself in the mirror I hardly recognised myself. Reaching up I ran my fingers through my now very short white blonde hair and smiled.

It was so different to anything I had ever done but in a way that silver blonde pixie cut was exactly what was needed right now. I looked like a completely different person because that's what I had to be now.

Scooping up my long dark hair from the sink I dumped it in the bin, that was it , the end of my old life.

Washing out the sink I went to the bedroom I was going to be sharing with Ian. And even though we had discussed the need for us to share a room so people thought we were a couple I was still shocked to see him sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Hey."

His head lifted slowly and then he jolted back in shock. "Wow Cassie." He whistled through his teeth. "You look completely different."

Moving towards the other side of the bed I shrugged. "I thought that was the whole point?"

"It was." Ian lapsed into silence. "Still a shock though. Being a blonde suits you. Not that I didn't think you weren't beautiful as a brunette. I've always preferred brown and dark haired ladies and-" two pink spots appeared on his cheeks as he fell silent.

I giggled. I knew exactly what kind of women he liked. Yanna shaped women but he hadn't realised that yet. "Just stop talking Ian." I threw up a hand and continued to laugh. And once I started I couldn't stop. It was like a dam had burst.

"I just meant-" the pink spots deepened into flaming red. "I just-"

"It's great that you thought I was pretty before but maybe don't say any more when we are about to share a bed for the foreseeable future? I don't want things to get weird between us."

His eyes closed. "They are already weird"

"Awkward then?" Pulling back the sheets I slipped underneath  and he did the same. Keeping a polite distance between us.

"Goddess Cassie things are already awkward. Being in bed with you is going against everything I believe in."

Turning on my side I stared at his stiff profile. He really did look uncomfortable.

He shot me a forced smile and then turned off the lamp and plunged us into darkness.

"Because I'm Julian's wife?" I asked softly.

"Partly but mostly because I've not actually slept in a bed with a woman I wasn't - um," he grumbled something under his breath.

"You wasn't fucking?" I asked with a chuckle.

He sucked in a breath and then after a second's hesitation he laughed. "Well yeah but you don't need to worry about my wandering hands or trying to make a move or anything, Cassie." He added quickly.

"I know." I smiled in the darkness. He was sweet to try and make me feel at ease but he really didn't need to. Ian would never cross that line and neither would I. We might have left Julian but we were loyal to him still. "And I promise not to come on to you." I stifled back a giggle. "Not even in my sleep. We can make a pillow wall if you like?" I added in a serious voice.

Next to me the mattress coils squeaked as he shifted his weight and turned to me. "A pillow wall?" He sounded confused. "What the hell is a pillow wall and why would we need one?"

I couldn't help it the giggle burst through with a snort like a pig.

"And what kind of noise was that?" He chuckled.

"Stop teasing me." Grabbing hold of a pillow I swatted his chest with it before putting it between our bodies. "And a pillow wall is simply a wall of pillows between us. I'm known to cuddle and -"

Grabbing hold of the pillow he shoved it behind his head and reached for me. Drawing me head down onto his shoulder. "We don't need any pillow wall Cassie. If you need me to hold you I will. Not because I want your body or because you want mine but because you are my friend." His hand smoothed down my short hair. "If you need me to hug you in the middle of the night then that's what I will do. It doesn't mean anything but we are friends and we are alone against the world." His chest heaved as he sighed heavily in the dark. "We have to stick together."

Tears rushed up into my eyes. "Thank you," I whispered and this time my voice was thick with the need to cry.

"Let it out Cassie."

I shook my head silently. I couldn't do that. I'd been holding onto the pain of not being loved by Julian for so long. Too long really and it was eating me up inside. If I let it all out now then I wasn't sure I would ever be able to push it back down.

"You miss him." Ian said in a whisper.

Mutely I nodded. "Miss him, love him, hate him." I gulped down a sob and failed as it ripped from my body in an almost scream. "I know I can never go back, just like I know that this is the right thing to do. Julian has Megan and their baby now. He doesn't need or want me but just the thought of never seeing him again makes me want to scream."

"I know." Ian smoothed his hand over my hair over and over again. "I know Cassie."

"But loving him was killing me." Angrily I wiped at my tears. I hated myself for being so weak. "So I have to let him go." I hiccuped. "I have to let him be with the woman who he wants to be with."

Ian's hands stilled. "He does love you. Julian has always-"

I pulled away from him and sat up. "Maybe he does Ian but it doesn't really matter anymore does it? He lied and cheated and those lies caused me to miss out on years of my son's lives. Even after he couldn't give her up and now they are having a baby together." Scrubbing at my face I wiped away the tears with the heels of my hands. "I have to let Julian go once and for all. There is no going back. Now let's go to sleep. I'm tired and we have so much to sort out tomorrow."

"Cassie-"

"No Ian , it's over. Julian is dead to me and this time he will stay dead."