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Scarlet Resilience
\*\*Megan\*\*
The room he has led me into is similar to the room I came in last night. Books line one wall from ceiling to wall with a TV in the middle. The rest of the walls are covered in dark mahogany wood. A desk is in front of dark red velvet-covered windows facing us with an old-fashioned desk lamp illuminating the room. An unlit fireplace is in the wall opposite the bookwall and a sofa sits in the middle of the room facing the TV.
Logan had walked straight towards a table with alcohol on it as soon as we entered the room. He offered me a drink but I refused one. He did however set one out for me anyway and is now sat on the couch with me. I noticed when walking towards the couch his laptop is laid on the coffee table in front of us.
"This was my grandfather's study," he says after taking a sip of his bourbon.
"What did you want to talk about?" I ask getting straight to the point. I don't want to spend unnecessary time with him. Not when it hurts like it does to be in the same room as him, knowing now what he thinks of me.
"About the reason I broke up with you," he says after a moment silence. I frown and narrow my eyes at him, is he really going to repeat his reasons to me?
"I already know your reasons," I say coldly and start to stand back up.
"No just listen, please I want to tell you the real reasons, the reasons I gave you were lies," he says standing up after me.
"Why lie?" I ask him
"It's all to do with my Uncle please just let me explain," he begs and I sigh and sit down.
"How do I know if you're telling the truth now?" I ask him and he sit down next to me but turns his body to face me.
"I have no reason to lie to you," he states. I sigh unable to argue with his logic there. "He thinks we're not good for each other," he starts "before I met you I was doing a lot of things I'm not proud of and were into things that I'm not proud of," he explains. I sigh growing inpatient. I already know he wasn't the best of people. "There are some things I'd rather you not know and he threatened to tell you if I didn't break up with you. He thinks that with my past and yours that we're just a disaster waiting to happen," he explains.
"How is this anything to do with him?" I ask getting frustrated. How dare he insult us like that?
"I have to move back here at the end of the year," he says in a rush. "Which means I'll be the face of the company, that's why I've had so many meetings. He threatened to expose our relationship in the US but I don't think he'd do that but it's still there," he says and then looks up from his empty glass to me. "I know none of this really makes sense but if me coming here at Christmas ends us I'd rather just end us now, I also found out today that I'll have to come back whenever I have time off in the US," he says.
I reach for the drink he had poured me, the ice cubes he put in it has cooled the alcohol. I down it in one gulp and I feel the liquid burn down my throat and it's just what I need to refocus my brain. I stand and walk towards the desk as I try to think of something to say to him.
"You are a complete idiot," I say as the words come to my mind. I turn to look at him to see him stood looking at me. "How can you lack so much common sense?" I ask rhetorically.
"Megan, with how our relationship was going, the thought of a relationship with you seemed impossible as it was but the fact I'd be living in another country would have just bolted the coffin our relationship is in," he explains. "I can't bring you here, it would be stupid of me," he adds.
"How? What is actually waiting for me in America?" I ask. "A dad who attacked me, a school that I can't stand been in and a grandfather who loves his abusive son too much to realise how sick in the head he is," I explain. "I have so much over there don't I," I sarcastically spit out at him.
"Your friends and it's the place your mother is buried,"
"Don't even dare," I growl at him "I haven't seen my mother's grave since god knows," I snap and I'm trying my best not to shout at him. I put my hands through my hair and try my best not to start crying. I'm so angry at him
"You're not understanding," he says walking towards me. He goes to put his hands on my shoulders but I move away from him.
"Don't touch me," I snap and walk away from him. He looks hurt by my rejection but right now I don't care. He's saying things he knows will upset me. "You're not helping me understand," I say "What's the worst thing you've ever done?" I ask.
"I'm not telling you that," he says and leans against the desk.
"Well it's the only way you're going to find out if I can cope with your flaws," I say and he sighs. "Have you killed someone? Is that it?" I ask "because by my standards that's probably the worse thing you can do," I say.
"I nearly killed someone," he says not looking at me.
"Nearly isn't the same as actually killing someone," I say and walk towards him.
"Not when the intention was to kill," he says and looks at me. I frown and stand in front of him.
"Why?" I ask.
"What does it matter why?" he retorts. I sigh and take deep breath, it's like he wants me to be angry at him.
"Because there is a reason as to why people do the things they do," I answer. He takes a deep breath and then looks down at his hands.
"You can't mention this to Carl," he says now looking at me. I frown and fold my arms.
"This conversation is staying between me and you," I state to him and he nods.
"I nearly killed him because he was trying to have sex with me," he says slowly. I frown at his statement. "I was throwing a party, he was Carls boyfriend at the time and well he had roofed me, I woke up to him sucking my dick and I just lost it, I just couldn't stop hitting him. Carl was sleeping in the pool house when all this was happening, it took a few of the guys to get me off him but he ended up in a coma for a few weeks and when he came round I held a knife to his throat and told him if he ever told anyone what I did to him I'd slit his throat," he says and I notice that he's not looking at me directly. I sigh and move forward and wrap my arms around his neck.
I think that's a valid enough reason," I say and feel his arms move around me.
"There's so much more," he says. "That is just one of my actions," he says
"It's ok, that was a past you, you've overcome the demons that made you like that," I reassure and feel him move his hands to my waist. He pushes me back and looks at me.
"It doesn't matter anyway, when I come back here we won't be together," he says and I am now really confused.
"So why tell me this? Why not just allow me to go back to america thinking the lies?" I ask.
"I don't know," he says and moves his hands to mine to take my hands from around him.
"This is so stupid," I say and walk away from him. "I'll go back to bed then seen as though you're done,"
"I didn't want you hating me," he blurts out and I turn to look at him.
"I'm not going to hate you for dumping me," I state and lean against the arm of the couch.
"Maybe not I just," he growls in frustration "this was not supposed to go like this,"
"How did you expect this to go?" I ask "for me to be like ', oh OK Logan, I understand that your uncle is a fuck-face, and you were put in a situation where you only had to take his offer,' that isn't going to happen," I sarcastically retort. "You had other options, one of which was to come to me and talk about it but you didn't, you decided to throw shit in my face," I say getting angrier at him.
"I'm sorry," he says loudly back at me. I sigh and hold my head in my hands as the tears start.
"You have no idea how you made me feel," I cry. He's by my side within seconds. He pulls me up by my arms and hugs me.
"I'm sorry, I don't know what else to do or say," he admits and moves a hand through my hair.
"You can tell me why the hell we still can't be together,"
"Megan," he sighs pulling away from me.
"Tell me Logan," I demand and he just walks away from me back to the table with the drinks.
"Damn it Megan no," he snaps at me and pours himself another drink.
"You are literally a douche," I say as if it's a fact. "You expect me to believe what you're saying but how can I when you won't tell me all of it?" I ask.
"Fine it's because we will end up like my parents, you'll start hating me and probably end up fucking the pool guy and I'll hate you and fuck my secretary, that is why and I'm not going to let that happen. I'd rather not be with you than to be with you and you hating me and finding love with another man," he confesses in a shout. I stand there completely shocked, how can he think we'd end up like that, and it's like he knows my thoughts as he speaks again. "I've cheated on you once already, and I saw the look on you that night I came back from working all day when we were supposed to be going out, we may not start off like them but at some point we will turn out like them." he says looking down at his drink.
All of this because of his fear of becoming his parents. His uncle may have started nagging him but it's his fear that made the decision.
"Did your uncle point that out to you?" I ask already knowing the answer. He nods and places the glass tumbler on the tray and walks over to me.
"On the day we broke up," he mutters and walks to the desk to lean against it. He rubs at his eyes and then yawns. I take a deep breath and walk over to him.
"What were you really in hospital for?" I ask quietly not wanting to actually hear the answer.
"A drug overdose," he says with a shake of his head. I feel myself wanting to cry. "I don't want any of this,"he looks at me and I take his hand in mine.
"Then don't let any of this happen, I don't believe we will end up like your parents, your fear of it is too great," I say and kiss his hand. "Your uncle can go screw himself, we can work out a way around him, and anyone else who wants to get in our way, including your fear because Logan I want to be with you,"he smiles at my words and presses his lips gently to mine. He moves both his hands to my neck and pulls away slightly.
"I want to be with you too, god knows I'll end up dead without you," he says pressing his forehead against mine. Moving my hands up his chest I feel his muscles tense under the fabric of his t-shirt and then relax. He moves a hand down to my right wrist to gently move it off his chest and then look down at the surrounding bandage. "I can't believe I caused this."
"It's ok," I breathe.
"No..making you feel the way you did will never be ok and I promise you I'll never do it again," he says looking me in the eyes and all I can see in those eyes is determination.
"Ok," is all I say and hug him tightly. He presses his lips to my head and kisses me over and over until he kisses down to my mouth. Biting my bottom lip I slowly release it and lean in to kiss him. His caress over my lips and into my mouth. His hands are under my top touching, moving over my skin. He holds me at my waist and lifts me up and turns me to sit me on the desk.
Pressing his body to mine I move my leg up and hook it round one of his legs holding him close to me. Our kiss is broken when he pulls back and takes his t-shirt off. I watch as his chest rises and then falls, his skin tightly stretched over his muscled chest and arms. Moving my hands up the strong arms that have held me and caused pain I feel just how strong they are and the small imperfection in the inner part of his right elbow. Looking at it, I see it's a needle mark.
"I'm an addict," he says looking at me. "When I can't get a hit of one addiction I have to find another," he says looking right at me.
"What are you saying?" I ask him as the fear of his answer grows inside me.
"My personality is addictive and I have realised that you're my newest addiction. Without you I know I'll go to my old ones," he says and looks down. "I'm sorry,"
"Don't be, lets face it without each other we just fall apart," I answer and move my hands to his shoulders and around his neck to pull him closer to me for a kiss.
"Do you realise the responsibility of being my addiction?" he asks and I smile.
"I think I can deal with it," I respond and he visibly relaxes into my arms.