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Scarlet Resilience
**Megan**
"When was your last nightmare?" Sara, my therapist asks me.
"This morning,"
"And what happened in this nightmare?"
"The same as what happens in the rest of them," I state.
"Explain to me," she says.
I sigh and look at her to see her waiting patiently. "I was in my bed asleep and I woke up to see I was back at home and I could hear him downstairs slamming the doors and bagging about. He was cursing something under his breath and the next thing I knew he was in my room and I was naked,"
"Can I ask you something?"
"When don't you ask me something," I said sarcastically.
"Was this a memory or a nightmare?" she asks "because a nightmare is part of the imagination and memory infused,"
"A memory this had happened,"
"Ok continue," she said and wrote something down.
"Urm anyway he was whipping me with the belt and I could feel every hit and he just kept laughing and taunting me as he did it,"
"Why was he whipping you?" I frowned "you said before that he always had a reason to. So what was the reason this time?"
"Urm I don't fully remember but I figured it was because I hadn't done what he had wanted me to do," I said and I could feel my heart wanting to jump out of my throat and my throat aching.
You know the feeling that you get when you want to cry but you stop yourself and your throat starts to ache and your voice starts to break and you gulp multiple times to try and push the cry deep down, hoping it would never come out. That was what I was doing right now. I cleared my throat trying to ease the feeling but it didn't work.
"It's ok, you can cry you know,"
I shook my head and looked at her "I don't want to," I say, but my voice was so close to making that crying sound that it came out like a whisper. She nodded and gestured for me to continue. "Urm," I said and took a deep breath. "He then stopped and came close to my body touching my back with his chest," I closed my eyes and took another deep breath.
"Take your time," she paused "we now have two hours and you can go over as much as you want, you're my last for today," she said "so we have all day,"
"Ok," I said and kept my eyes closed for longer and took another deep breath. "Ok," I said after a few minutes, "his lips were touching my ear as he whispered something, I can't fully remember what it was but after that he started to touch me and it felt like he was doing it for ages but he wasn't because I was just staring at the clock. Waiting until it was dawn because I knew as soon as it was morning I would be out of the room and on my way to school."
"What time would you leave for school?" she asks.
"As soon as it was light out, so around 5:30am to 6:30am luckily now though MacDonald's opens at six every day." I said with a small smile. She smiled back and tilted her head at me a little pondering on what she was going to say next.
"Did you feel safer outside that early in the morning than in that house?" she asks.
"Yes, I mean I would be walking in the morning sometimes at five AM and there would be people still out drunk and would try coming onto me and I wasn't as afraid of them as what I should be," I state.
"Ok that's understandable," she says. I frowned confused "well it is in your case because in a way you were already thinking you can't possibly do any worse to me than what my father has done, that is why it is understandable in your case," I oh'd and she started to change the subject "last session we touched upon certain feelings," she said "you said your body felt as if it had a certain desire but you didn't know what," she says. "But I get the feeling you do know, you're just afraid to admit it," she says.
"I do, it's just I know it's wrong," I say.
"How is it wrong?"
"Because I shouldn't want to be touched," I snapped angrily. I hated this "I hate the feeling after what has happened to then want it is sick and twisted and I'm filthy for thinking it,"
"There are ways to satisfy it other than sex," she says.
"I don't want to do that though,"
"Have you tried masturbating?" she asks. I looked away from her "No one else is going to know Megan, there's only me in this room," she says. I sigh and nodded a little. "There's nothing to worry about you know it's perfectly normal to masturbate,"
"For a man it is not for a woman and not for me," I hissed.
"Ok you're obviously uncomfortable talking about this,"
"You think?" I ask sarcastically.
"Does Logan know?" she asks.
"He knows about my feelings, he just doesn't seem to understand the full extent," I say.
"How is your relationship with him going?" she asks "you told me last time how you two had first interacted out of school time what is it like now?"
"He asked me out,"
"What?" she asks, a little shocked. I frowned a little as she was smiling a little "sorry it's just not something you hear a 23 year old doing, I mean when you think of someone going 'Will you go out with me?' you think of a very shy young boy,"
"I think he did it like that because we can't exactly just let it flow if you get what I mean," I say.
"Yeah that is true you can't. Although your relationship isn't against the law as long as you keep it legal, I'm glad you have told me about your relationship, I'm not going to be telling anyone about your relationship" she states, "But there is a lot of stress when it comes to 'forbidden' relationships," she says.
"Well I figured but he said it would be sort of easy for us because we live together,"
"That is true, but if I am honest with you Megan I don't think you are ready for a long term relationship or any relationship because you are very fragile at the moment, I just think maybe you and him should go very
slow," she states.
"I understand and he won't sleep with me until I've finished high school,"
"Well that's good," she said. "Now let's talk again about these nightmares," she said and got comfy once more. I sigh and look down at my lap.
"How did it go?" Logan asked as I got into the car. I shrugged and put on my seatbelt. He moved a hand to my leg and I moved my leg away from him. He then took my hand and I moved my hand out of his. "Ok,"he said and started the car. I slowly looked at him to see him concentrating on the road. I sigh and get comfy and silence laced over us.
The car ride was silent the whole way home. He got out of the car and I followed him up the pathway. "It went a bit over time,"he said when he went to the door.
"Sorry," I said quietly and as he opened the door for me I walked in, kicked off my converse and walked straight up to my room.
I shut my door and locked it and then started to look around my room. I looked under my bed, in my drawers, in my wardrobe but I couldn't find it. I frowned and walked towards the piano that was still in my room and opened it to see it wasn't there. I then unlocked my door and walked into Logan's room. He wasn't in there which meant he was downstairs most likely making dinner. I started to search his room for it but I couldn't find it.
"What are you looking for?" I heard Logan ask. I looked at him.
"My box, where is it?"
"What box?"
"You know what box," I said as I could feel myself start to cry. He sighs and looks away from me "Logan please," I begged.
"No I'm not telling you,"
"Please just tell me, I need it,"
"No you don't,"
"Yes, yes I do now where is it?" I ask . He shook his head "Tell me," I demanded. He remained silent. I barged past him and walked towards my room. "I hate you," I said and slammed my door shut, locking it behind me. I dropped to my knees and slowly started crying.